


Chicken Alfredo with a Side of Fries and Smoke

by mesoquatic



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Implied homophobia, M/M, Runaway, Super Angst, angst with good ending, missing person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 13:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11670177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mesoquatic/pseuds/mesoquatic
Summary: Michael isn't there and Jeremy can't figure out why he thinks he still is.Maybe because Michael still is.





	Chicken Alfredo with a Side of Fries and Smoke

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: flailingbuptor

Jeremy liked to think that life was good. He had good friends who thought of him as a friend back. His dad had turned his life around to benefit Jeremy instead of crying over his ex-wife for weeks on end. He was supported by peers and teachers alike. And he had Michael, the guy who he has been in love with for the longest time and probably was friendzoned long ago, as his best friend.

They did a lot together, play video games, prank their other friends, for example. They had been inseparable for years and they were to graduate high school together next year. They were even moving in together to attend college.

At least that was their plans.

Jeremy came to despise Fridays. They were the end of the week, sure, but they marked a day he wish he could forget. It didn’t start on a Friday, he also despised Thursdays of course. That was for the different but same reason.

[10:03pm] michael: you up for some video games

[10:04pm] michael: i cant sleep

[10:06pm] you: sorry, project due tomorrow/procrastination

[10:09pm] michael: k

His Thursday went on as normal. Friday morning, Michael was missing from homeroom. Jeremy wasn’t surprised, Michael missed homeroom a lot, either from sleeping in, recovering from smoking, or both. Third period rolled around, Michael still wasn’t there.

[10:02am] you: mikey?

[10:06am] you: michael?

He was warned to put his phone away from the teacher.

His foot tapped against the floor of his fourth period. He was the first out the door when the bell rang for lunch to start. He slowed down before he rounded the corner into the hallway where Michael’s locker was. He hoped that when he did, he’d see Michael’s smiling face and that his face would flush and his heart would skip a beat.

That was a dream. Only the stained, grey lockers covered the walls. Students pushed past Jeremy forcibly as he made his way through. He made it to the locker. It was cold to the touch, like it was dead instead of the warm feeling that Michael gave it.

After school, Jeremy made a detour and walked the hour and a half to Michael’s house. It was nestled in the trees off the road leading out of town. It wasn’t far from Jeremy’s house itself but compared to the crowds of children coming out of the high school and then having to walk from the school, it was.

Michael’s car was parked in it’s usual space, right behind his mom’s car. He would remember Michael bringing him over after school and his mother would scold him for where he parked when he got inside.

-

Michael parked the car with a smile, turning to Jeremy before turning the engine off. “See, I know how to drive.” Jeremy smiled nervously, still holding on to his seatbelt for his life. “If I was terrible at driving, they wouldn’t let me get a license.”

Jeremy knew that his friend was actually good at driving and it always hurt him when Michael assumed his fear was his driving. He’d make a joke about it and Jeremy would smile like they always did. Michael just never noticed him doing the same in any car. Truth was that Jeremy got motion sickness easily and some places you can’t walk to.

“C’mon, we could finally finish that level.” Jeremy followed Michael into his house. His mother had gotten addicted to hoarding ever since her husband died so they couldn’t use the front door anymore. The back door lead into the kitchen where she smiled and greeted Jeremy before going off on Michael.

Jeremy didn’t understand Tagalog. Michael had tried to teach him multiple words but none of it stuck. But, his mother always seemed mad at first and would soften up the more they went on. She knew English but didn’t want to make Jeremy feel like she was yelling at him.

-

The car seemed years older. It had rust around the edges and the paint chipped near the bottom. Probably caused by the rain.

His house wasn’t any better. The paint always made it look run down when it was perfectly fine inside, not including the nonexistent living room or dining room. The blinds were tied shut to hide the mess inside. They had been that way for years and he couldn’t remember what they looked like open.

He opened the gate to the back, keeping to the stone to ignore the tall grass that had been long forgotten. Michael used to mow it but his mom couldn’t pay for him to do it after a while. He continued to do it but after six months or so, it wasn’t worth it.

Jeremy knocked after stopping himself from just walking in. Knocking wasn’t new nor old. Michael would usually text him to say if it was safe to just walk in. Other times Michael would be there with him.

Mrs. Mell opened the door. She seemed hopeful when she saw Jeremy. “Hello?”

He smiled. “Is Michael home?”

Her hope vanished. “No, I thought he was with you.”

Jeremy’s hope vanished too.

-

“Jeremy!” Michael’s face lit up, seeing Jeremy walk into the basement. It was dark, only the small lava lamp that he had gotten a few weeks back made any light. There was a light smoke in the air. “You want some?” He held out a small cigarette. Jeremy opened the window before taking it.

He coughed after breathing in, letting the familiar toxin fill his lungs. He handed it back before taking a seat in the bean bag next to Michael. The night air was fresh and sweet compared to the murky smell of the drug.

“Thanks for coming over so late.” Michael had moved his bean bag close to lean against Jeremy. “It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, watching Michael inhale more of the smoke. “Video games?”

“Nah,” Michael offered him the joint again. Jeremy took it and twisted it around between his fingers as Michael spoke. “It’s more of a chill night than ‘waking my mom in the middle of the night’ night.” Jeremy chuckled at his comment.

“Chill night it is.” He added, slumping down into his bag and let his lungs fill with more smoke. They stayed like that for hours into the morning.

-

Jeremy missed nights like those and as the sun slowly set on the horizon, he really wished Michael would show up and it could be one of those nights. A chill night after his mother yelled at him for disappearing for a whole day. They could just smoke until the sun rose again and laugh at the most random things.

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t going to be a chill night.

Jeremy stayed with Mrs. Mell and comforted her as the sun set. He helped her call the police and stayed as calm as he could for her sake. She drove him home after the investigators left. The moon was high in the sky when he got home. He decided to hide when she explained everything to his dad.

He broke down the second he closed his door. He buried his head in his hands and sobbed quietly, sliding down the door. He cried, letting his shirt get soaked in the process. He hoped that it’ll all be over tomorrow and Michael would invite him over for videos games. Or that he was dreaming and it was all a bad dream.

Video games. Michael invited him over for video games last night. What if he left that night? If Jeremy had come over would everything had been okay? Did he cause Michael to disappear? Was this all h-

“Jeremy.” His head shot up at the voice, the familiar voice. Michael’s voice. But he wasn’t there. The wind blew against Jeremy. He never opened his window.

He got up carefully, watching his curtains fly around. It was mid June and his room was warm. There was a cold space in his window. He closed his window and changed out of his school clothes. His bed seemed colder than usual that night.

-

Jeremy and Michael sat on the floor, surrounded by a mess of blankets, pillows, soft drinks, and snacks. Their usual setup when gaming at Jeremy’s house. His dad was out of town for work so Michael brought his old console and television over. The room was like a movie theatre except without the surround sound. The bright screen hurt their eyes when compared to the dark shadows of the night.

Another attempt at beating the level failed and Michael threw his controller to the floor in frustration. “Goddammit!” Jeremy put his own controller down and yawned. He pulled at Michael’s shirt hem, telling him to sit back down.

“Maybe we should call it a night?” He suggested, watching Michael sit back down. He took another swig of his soda. He yawned slightly before taking the controller back.

“One more attempt.” Michael held his controller and watched Jeremy, expecting him to pick up the controller.

“That’s what you said thirty tries ago.” He complained, taking the controller out of his hands and putting it back on the floor. “We should get some sleep so we have enough energy to try again.”

Michael hesitantly nodded, leaning his forehead against Jeremy’s shoulder. Jeremy’s face flushed, his hand rubbing Michael’s back softly.

“You can take the bed.” He added, looking down to him.

“No, it’s your house-”

“Exactly why I’m telling you to take it."

He eventually got up and buried himself into the blankets of Jeremy’s bed. It was small and Jeremy was just taller than it. He never complained. His dad and him couldn’t afford a bigger bed.

Michael was slightly taller and different build than he was. Which meant that he stuck out more than Jeremy thought he could. It made him giggle.

“What are you laughing at?” Michael was still awake and now sitting up to look down to the blankets where Jeremy was sitting. They made eye contact as much as they could. Michael was a bit off, his signature glasses missing from his face. “Are you laughing at me?”

“No-”

“Good.” He mumbled and laid back down. Both of them stayed silent for a long time. Jeremy continued to watch him without realizing how much of a creep he was being. Michael turned to his other side, now facing Jeremy. “Are you staring?”

“No-”

“I may be blind as fuck but I can feel your eyes, Jere.” He sat up again. “Do you regret letting me sleep in your bed?”

“No,” he panicked, feeling his face flare up. “I can’t sleep, no need to worry.”

Michael scooted over and patted the spot next to him. “We can make it work.”

Jeremy hesitated before getting up and sliding in the bed next to Michael. He had his back to him making sure Michael couldn’t see his red face. Michael snored softly behind him and his heart was racing. He was the tired one and now he couldn’t sleep.

Then it happened.

His heart skipped a beat as Michael shifted behind him, latching on to Jeremy, and cuddled him close. He couldn’t sleep from being so embarrassed and surprised that whole night. Michael, as Jeremy learned, was is a natural born cuddler. Every night he spent with Michael was the best sleep he had ever gotten.

-

Jeremy’s dad didn’t bother to wake him up the next morning. Once Jeremy had made his awake state known, his dad would check up on him occasionally. He spent his whole Saturday in his bed either crying, reading Michael and his texts, or both. He took screenshots of his favorites which consisted about ninety-nine percent of them.

[1:02am] michael: jere

[1:03am] michael: did you know bananas are berries

[1:03am] michael: but not strawberries

[1:05am] michael: jeremyy

[1:13am] michael: jeremIAH

[1:15am] you: why are you still up

[1:16am] michael: im reading fruit facts

[1:16am] michael: v interesting

[1:17am] you: why??/

[1:18am] michael: bananas are herbs not fruits but people call them fruits

[1:19am] you: whats the obsession with bananas all of a sudden

[1:19am] you: are you HIGH

[1:20am] michael: wats the need for the HIGH

[1:20am] michael: cant i be just high

[1:21am] you: michael are you /high/

[1:22am] michael: one, no need for the /high/ its just high no special things needed

[1:22am] michael: and hell yeah

[1:24am] michael: are you jealous??

[1:24am] you: no

[1:24am] michael: jeremy heere, jealous? sch a sight

[1:25am] michael: do you wanna get high with me

[1:26am] you: i can’t get high with you youre already high

[1:26am] michael: shhhhhhh

Jeremy had fallen asleep shortly after that. Michael never went to bed, though, and Jeremy had waken up to a hundred unread messages. They were filled with worry and concern that he had been kidnapped or had died. Jeremy had to remind him that he already woke Jeremy up at one in the morning.

The next day was the same except for his dad taking him out to dinner. Jeremy hadn’t eaten since lunch on Friday and his dad made sure he had enough to survive. The topic hung heavy as they sat down and the waiter took their order.

“Have you heard from Michael?” His dad asked cautiously. Jeremy shook his head softly, stirring the ice in his glass with his straw. “I’m sure he’s fine and will be found soon.”

Jeremy mumbled under his breath, stabbing his straw down into the water. Jeremy’s dad sighed. “It’ll all be fine, Jere.”

“Don’t call me Jere.” He grumbled. “That’s what Michael calls me.”

They sat in silence for more time. Jeremy watched the window and played with his water. His eyes were searching around the parking lot outside. His dad placed his hand on his shoulder.

“They’ll find him.”

“What if they don’t?” He shot back, looking down to his water. “What’s that thing that the police always say? They get a lead within forty-eight hours or it doesn’t go anywhere?”

“That’s with murder cases, Jeremy.”

“Yeah, well, what if he was murdered?” He proposed. His fist was clenched shut under the table.

“He wasn’t murdered, J-”

“You don’t know that.”

More silence. It stayed that way until the waitress brought their food. It wasn’t comfortable but talking wasn’t much better. His dad ate, watching Jeremy carefully. He took a few bites but mostly played with his food.

“You need to eat.”

“I know.” He twisted the pasta around. “I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten since Friday.”

“I know.”

Again, silence but short lived.

“Do you think Michael would be okay with you being dead when he showed up?”

Jeremy took a deep breath and a long sip from his water. He took a few bites of his food. The taste was just as he imagined it would be. Michael and him would come to this diner a lot. He’d always order the same thing every time, chicken alfredo. He ordered it thinking of him. Maybe this is what Michael tasted like, with the addition of marijuana.

“Why’d you order a side of fries if you aren’t going to eat them?”

-

“Why do you always order the same thing?” Jeremy asked, taking a sip from his water. “It’s always chicken alfredo.”

“With a side of french fries! Don’t forget the best part.” Jeremy giggled, watching Michael smile. “What are you laughing at?”

“You’re so excited.”

“Because it’s the best food out there.” He paused. “Except my mom’s cooking but I’m obligated to say that.”

“Obligated, woah a big word. Where did you hide Michael?” He chuckled, spinning his ice cubes in his glass.

“One, we are high schoolers as of two weeks ago.” Summer break had started already. Eighth grade was over and ninth had not started yet. “Two, you only do that,” he motioned to his cup. “When you’re worried.”

He stopped and rested his chin against his hand. “What if we finally get to high school and we still aren’t the cool kids?”

Michael reached his hand over the table and ruffled Jeremy’s hair up. “Then we can be losers together!”

Their food arrived quickly due to it being between rush hours. Michael dipped one of his fries in the alfredo sauce and ate it happily.

“Is it really that great?” Jeremy wondered out loud, cutting his burger in half.

“Try it.” He said while he chewed, motioning to his food. Jeremy pushed his mouth closed as he took a fry from the basket. Michael swallowed and continued to talk. “It’s better than any condiment.”

“Why don’t you just get a basket of fries and the alfredo sauce in a little cup?” He asked, dipping the fry into the other dish carefully.

“It ruins the experience!” He chuckled. “The pasta is great, too!”

Jeremy shushed him, seeing a girl in another booth glaring at him. He examined the alfredo covered fry. “Are you sure about this?”

“Hell yeah.”

Jeremy popped it in his mouth and chewed on it, raising an eyebrow. “It’s-”

“So amazing you could die?”

“Interesting.” He swallowed and coughed a little. “Wrong pipe-”

After he was done not choking both of them burst into laughter before continuing their food.

-

Jeremy went home with two boxes of leftovers. One was just alfredo sauce, he ate all the noodles and chicken. The other box was filled with fries.

His dad let him stay home on Monday. Jeremy insisted that he was fine and could handle school when he really wasn’t. No news about Michael. School would be overwhelming.

He texted Mrs. Mell ahead of time to make sure it was okay that he stopped by. She was at work and he knew where the spare key was. She was fine with it. Around noon, he got the boxes of leftovers out of the fridge and snuck out of the house.

The walk was uneventful, nothing new to the scenery. Michael’s car was still parked outside, as rusted as it was before. Paint still chipped in the same places but missed any sign of life. It seemed untouched until Jeremy placed his forehead against the driver window. For a second he could have swore that the engine purred back, like it was telling him that it felt his pain.

“Jeremy!” He moved back suddenly, dropping the bag of food and searching through the trees. Michael’s voice, one too familiar to forget.

“Michael?”

Nothing. The trees were the same. The sky was the same. It was all the same except the air seemed just a little colder. His tears almost felt frozen on his face in the wind. He picked the bag carefully and leaned against the cruiser, sobbing carefully. It took a few minutes to calm down enough to walk to the door.

Inside, everything seemed a little cleaner. He could see a path to the front door carved out. The dining room table actually existed under everything. Everything was a little cleaner except around the infamous door hidden under the stickers and whiteboard.

On the whiteboard, it was almost insulting to see that his mom erased Michael’s name and wrote ‘be home soon’ on it. He carefully stormed in before he broke something in frustration. The room, luckily, was entirely untouched. It was all the same except there wasn’t any Michael. It seemed dead.

“Hey,” he spoke out, placing the bag on his desk. “Brought you some food!” Nothing but he acted like Michael was there. “You’re favorite, chicken alfredo with a side of fries!” Again, silence. “Sorry, I ate all the noodles.”

“But it’s part of the experience-” He imagined that Michael would complain that. He brought the boxes out of the bag and opened them carefully.

“It’s cold but it’s better than nothing.” He let out with a quiet sob. He sat down in his desk chair and took one of the fries in his fingers. He carefully stirred the sauce around with it before properly dipping it. He ate it and smiled. The fry was stale and the sauce was freezing but it still tasted good.

He ate a few more fries, leaving three left next to the sauce. He leaned back in the chair and smiled softly. “You gotta eat it before it gets cold.”

There was a slam, making Jeremy jump from the seat. He raced upstairs, frantically searching for any sign of life. The living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedrooms, but alas nothing. Nothing, again.

He went back downstairs and sat in the chair again. All warmth was gone from where he sat before. Maybe it was the open window. It wasn’t open earlier. Or maybe it was? Or maybe it was the loud thud? He turned the chair around towards the window but it was closed. He could have sworn it was open for a few minutes.

When he turned to face the desk, the three left fries were missing and there was a dip in the amount of sauce.

-

Michael opened the door carefully, clearly not expecting Jeremy at his house at three in the morning. “Jere?” His glasses weren’t there making Jeremy wonder how he got upstairs in the first place. “Why are you here?”

Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck carefully. “Christine and I broke up.” He looked up at Michael for a second before looking away. He swore he had some glimmer of happiness in his eyes.

“You should probably get inside before you freeze.” He opened the door more for Jeremy to slide in. He was not wrong, it was the dead middle of January.

Michael’s house was always warm. In the summer it was terribly hot and there were always spiders and mosquitos inside because the air conditioner was broken. They left the doors and windows open, at least the ones they could reach. But during the winter, it was paradise to Jeremy.

Michael led him down the stairs and into the basement. It wasn’t originally his bedroom but he spent so much time down there he asked his mom if he could move down there. It was right before his dad died when his mother finally was fed up and said he could. Jeremy helped him move all his stuff downstairs.

“You wanna joint or play some video games?” He asked as he had Jeremy sit down. He sat down next to him, wrapping his arm around Jeremy’s shoulders. Jeremy shook his head.

“Chill night without the weed?” Jeremy suggested and the other nodded. He yawned.

“How are you able to stay awake this late?” He asked, laying down on his bed. His bed was much larger than Jeremy’s.

“I couldn’t sleep.” He admitted. “I was either crying, thinking where I went wrong, or both at the same time.” He brought his knees up to his face and turned to look at Michael. “And says you, Mister I’ll Wake Jere Up With Banana Facts-”

“I was high.” He mumbled into his pillow.

“High, HIGH, or /high/?” He smiled, scooting over and laying down next to him. He watched his face carefully.

“Shuddup,” he mumbled. “Did I show up on your doorstep?”

Silence.

“Jere?”

With a soft sob, Jeremy found his face stuffed against Michael’s chest. His hand was up Jeremy's shirt and tracing soft shapes on his back. “It’s going to be okay.” It was all Jeremy could make out. He was too busy taking in Michael, the smell of new game cartridges and the small presence of weed.

-

Jeremy woke up suddenly. It was dark out, a small light shined from under the door. It wasn’t his door. He looked around, realizing he was asleep in Michael’s chair. Mrs. Mell was probably home, it looked late out.

He pulled out his phone. It was just past six at night. The faint smell of dinner cooking came in. He smiled gently, getting up from the seat and taking a deep breath. Not only the smell of whatever was cooking but also that smell of Michael. It wasn’t from the room. He was wearing Michael’s jacket.

He didn’t know how it ended up with him. When the police searched Michael’s room, there was no trace of the jacket anywhere. Jeremy knew because he asked. Michael would not have left home without it. But here it was, keeping him warm.

He took it off instead of taking it upstairs. It would scare Michael’s mom, no doubt about it. Maybe she was the one that put it on. No, that didn’t seem right. It smelled too much like Michael. He left it on the bed.

Mrs. Mell let him stay for dinner. She just boiled up some pasta and sauce. At least it wasn’t alfredo, that would have made Jeremy break into pieces. That would not have been good. He needed to stay strong for her.

She retreated after dinner and Jeremy went back downstairs. He sat on the bed carefully, holding the jacket against his chest. He cried silently, not having enough energy to make any sort of sob or whine.

He felt a warm arm wrap around him, just like all those months ago. “It’ll be alright. She might not love you but some other girl in this world does. It’s just a matter of finding her.” He felt the spot grow cold as soon as he looked over. The same words Michael said to him back then. The same voice.

He snuck out with the jacket.

-

“Welcome to the high school experience!” Michael motioned out to the giant cafeteria and Jeremy shrunk down into himself more.

“God, you make it sound like we’re freshman.”

“We are, Jere.” He put a hand on his shoulder. “These will be the best years of our lives.”

“I don’t think so.” He shook his head as he scanned the crowd. “If I have to deal with this,” he motioned to the cafeteria. “Many people every day, I don’t think I could handle it.”

“Oh, Jere-bear,”

“Don’t call me that, we are teenagers.”

“Je-”

Jake Dillinger passed by, shoving Michael’s tray into both of them. “Nerds!” He high-fived another kid as he walked past. Jeremy smiled nervously, seeing his own lunch a mess. Michael was wiping off the little that got on his jacket while the rest resided on Jeremy’s shirt.

“Do you want to go to the bathroom to clean up?” Jeremy nodded quickly and Michael took both of their trays. He put them next to the trash and led Jeremy down the hallway. It took them a while but they found a bathroom.

Michael attempted to clean the shirt the best he could but it looked like Jeremy threw up everywhere. “Sorry, man, it’s not going anywhere.”

Jeremy sighed, looking in the mirror. “Welcome to high school.” He mumbled. Michael was taking his jacket off and Jeremy looked at him weird. “What are you doing?”

He held out his jacket. “You won’t be able to hide that mess without it.” He shook the jacket a little. “But you can’t have the shirt on under, only exception.”

Jeremy hesitated before slipping his shirt off. He stuffed it into an unused pocket of his backpack. When he looked back, Michael’s face was the same color as said jacket. “Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, just spiffy.” Jeremy sent him a concerned look. Michael hated the word ‘spiffy’ but here he was saying it. He slipped the jacket on and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked, looking down at how big it was on him. “You never go without it and people might think we’re gay.”

Michael sighed. “I’m pretty sure people already think I’m gay because I am.”

“You are?” Michael tensed up and Jeremy smiled. “You just came out to me?”

Michael nodded.

“I feel honored,” he let out. “You-That takes a lot of courage.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you scared I don’t think of you the same way?”

Michael nodded again.

“Michael, Mikey, I’m not going to hate you or anything because you like guys.” Jeremy put his hand on Michael’s shoulder and felt him tense for a second before relaxing. “You’re still the same, video gaming dork I met in kindergarten that has stuck by my side through all this. I’m not going to leave yours just because you’re gay.”

-

Michael always had a way of avoiding people in the hallways. Jeremy wished he had the same ability as he strolled along. News went around quick, investigators were at school yesterday asking students questions about Michael. Jeremy bet it was all the same, ‘he was a loser so I didn’t pay attention to him.’ He was glad that they asked him questions already.

Tuesday came with the annual drama club meeting. Jeremy skipped it. He was an active member because Michael thought he would be good at theatre. He was right and Jeremy enjoyed every minute of it. He came to every single performance that Jeremy was in and took him out to dinner after. Every. Single. Time. Hopefully everyone understood why he didn’t go.

Apparently not.

He was tucked away under his desk in his room, snuggled up in Michael’s hoodie. His laptop was in his lap and he was scrolling through Michael’s facebook page. You see, Michael didn’t have one until Jeremy asked him to get one. He seemed to have one within minutes after he asked.

Everyone was writing messages about him and how they miss him. Half of these people weren’t even friends with him. Who was Jeremy kidding, only seven people really knew Michael and only one of them had actually posted something. That being Jenna, who organized the whole thing for everyone to be able to write on his page.

He had another tab open with a blank document except the for the start of a letter. The ‘Dear Michael,’ haunted him. He couldn’t write anything else without bursting into tears. He would look stupid if he just left it on his page. He could not find the words to describe his feelings.

A knock on his door led to him panicking. He ripped the jacket off and stuffed it under his bed. He was shirtless under, just like all those years ago. Now he was hanging out in just his boxers, under his desk, with his laptop. Now, Christine was standing in his doorframe.

“Am I interrupting something?” She asked carefully. His eyes went wide, realizing that it looked like he was either about to or just finished masturbating.

His face flared up. “N-no, no, no, no,” He got up and pulled a shirt on quickly. “And i-it wasn’t what it looked like at all.”

“Relax.” Moments like these reminded Jeremy that she was indeed his ex-girlfriend. Moments like these also reminded Jeremy about how calm she could be. “At least I didn’t walk in while you were doing it.”

He nodded quickly as he got on a pair of sweatpants. He turned to Christine who was now sitting on the bed and sent a small smile.

“How are you feeling?” She watched him carefully.

“Fine?” He leaned against the wall and fiddled with the string of his pants.

“You don’t sound fine by what your dad described.”

He sighed. “He called you over, didn’t he?”

“Jeremy, he is worried about you."

“Yeah, well, I’m fine for a kid who’s best friend is missing!” He took a deep breath and looked away.

“We’re all worried.” She added, adjusting where she was. For a second, he could’ve sworn that Michael was sitting next to her, ready to add his own part. “We were all his friends-”

“Not enough.” He spat.

“I get that you’re worried-”

“Worried? I’m fucking terrified!”

She got up from where she was sitting. “Jeremy, you need to calm-”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so calm!” He punched the wall and broke into tears. “We clearly weren’t enough! I clearly wasn’t enough!”

“Jere-”

“He texted me Thursday and I didn’t go over! Then, bam! Out of nowhere he’s fucking missing without a trace! I!” He pointed at his chest, a fire of rage storming his blue eyes. “I could’ve stopped it! But no, I thought a fucking project was more important than him!”

“You didn’t know!” She yelled. This was the first time he had heard her yell outside of the theatre. The same fury that was in his eyes started to stir in hers. “You couldn’t have done anything!”

“If I went he would be here!”

“You don’t know that!”

He took short, shallow breaths. He stared down at her. “I could’ve prevented all of this.”

“Jeremy, you don’t know that.”

And he was grabbing his shoes and storming out his front door.

-

Jeremy had attempted to run away from home in sixth grade. It was one of the first days where his parents fought and he was so scared that he left. He didn’t know where he was going but he followed the road out to where Michael’s house was. It was a good hour and a half before he showed up on their porch, exhausted and frightened.

It was almost a year before Mr. Mell died and their home was full of life. Michael still lived in his actual bedroom and he stayed in there, bombarded by blankets and hugs by Michael to make sure he didn’t freeze. It was a February afternoon.

“I don’t think I can go home.” Jeremy said after a long silence. They were both content on the bed. “My parents were yelling and it was so loud.”

“Well, you’re always welcome here.” Michael smiled, leaning against Jeremy and watched the television.

“What if I ran away?” He proposed. “Not to come here but out into the world?”

“The people in your life that love you would be devastated.” He chuckled. “And if you do, wouldn’t you want to choose to do it in warmer weather?”

-

Those words haunted Jeremy as he walked down the road. He didn’t know where he was going but the words burned in his head. It was June. It was warmer, much warmer, than a February day. He spoke back then like he knew he was going to disappear in June.

He does regret leaving Michael’s jacket behind. Sure, Christine would have been very confused to see that he had it. She would have probably attempted to stop him more because it had it. It showed that he knew something that he really didn’t. How did he even end up in it was a whole different question.

Maybe Michael came and gave it to me?

A car zoomed past, very close to the shoulder, making him jump in fear. He lost footing and rolled down into the shallow, rocky stream below. He got up carefully, halfway between soaked and dry. The rocks were sharp, leaving him with scratches along his arms. One punctured deep on his wrist, leaving the water bloody.

“Jeremy?” He bit his lip and stood in the water. “Jeremy?” Michael’s voice. It couldn’t be. He closed his eyes and covered his ears.

“No, no, no, no-”

There was a hand on his shoulder. It felt so warm but cold at the same time. “Jeremy.” Michael sounded pathetic and worried. He was so close but Jeremy knew it wasn’t him.

Unless it was?

He turned around immediately, opening his eyes and feeling the hand fade. He looked around, taking deep breaths and taking his hands off his ears. His brain was tricking him into thinking Michael was there. Michael isn’t here. Michael isn’t here. Michael isn’t here. Michael isn’t here.

“Michael isn’t here!” He screamed out, kicking the water in anger. He rested against a tree and broke into tears.

-

Michael led Jeremy out beyond the trees, checking over his shoulder to make sure his parents didn’t see them. After that, he snuck in further with his friend, who looked terrified.

“Where-” Jeremy cleared his throat. “Where are we going?”

“My favorite spot.” Michael explained vaguely, grabbing his hand and rushing through the trees.

“All the trees look the same,” he gulped. “How do you know the way? How do you know we aren’t going to get lost?”

Michael punched his arm playfully. “Stop worrying so much, you’ll get wrinkles.”

Jeremy smiled and let the other lead him through the forest. They eventually reached a clearing with a giant tree in the middle. It was truly a beautiful sight.

“Welcome!” He yelled out, smiling wide. “To the tree!”

He let go of Jeremy’s hand and danced around the tree. Jeremy couldn’t help but to chuckle. Michael came back and grabbed both of Jeremy’s hands. He lead him around, spinning him occasionally. They eventually got into a routine, spinning and dipping each other around, a dance of their own.

“Are you going to impress the guys with this at prom next year?” Jeremy asked, letting Michael spin him around again.

“It’s only early June,” he sighed. “Of our Junior year. I think I have time to improve.”

“Ever thought about who you’re going to prom with?” He asked, swaying around. “I have.”

“Really?” He chuckled. “Who?”

“I’ll keep that a secret.”

“She’ll be a lucky girl.”

Jeremy paused. “Or guy?” His voice cracked.

“Are you saying you’re bi?” Michael continued to sway with him, his eyes lighting up with hope.

“I guess so,” he said quietly. Michael smiled even wider.

“If all ends badly, we could go together?” He proposed. “To prom.”

“Are you asking me a year early?” He raised an eyebrow.

“O-Only if neither of us can get a date!” Michael corrected.

-

Jeremy jolted awake in his bed. The events of last night flooded back. Christine and his dad probably found him passed out on the side of the road. Or someone else did. He wouldn’t know until he asked his dad.

His room was the same as he had left it. His shirt and sweatpants were dry and folded on his chair. Like his mom would fold them when he was sick and couldn’t do his own laundry. It made him sick as he put them away. Christine probably did it.

He checked his phone. It was Wednesday, just after one in the afternoon. Christine must have gone to class and insisted that he not be woken up.  
Jeremy felt like shit. He didn’t sleep well and his wrist was covered in a tangle in different bandages. His dad probably did that part. Even slugging through the hallway to the bathroom made him anxious.

He undid the mess on his wrist slowly. The wound wasn’t as bad as it felt when he first got it but an ache was there. No, the ache was everywhere. He fell asleep in the middle of a forest, probably halfway in the stream. He probably looked dead.

He cleaned the wound carefully, deeply regretting his decision. It hurt like hell and the oncoming headache only made it worse. He made quick work to rebandage the thing, jumping in his skin when finding his dad in the door frame. “Hey, slugger.” He smiled softly and Jeremy looked away.

“Hey,” he responded, balling up the used bandages and throwing them away.

“You were pretty out of it. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

He rubbed at the crust in the corners of his eyes. “It’s fine.”

“What kept you in dream world for so long?” He paused. “If you don’t mind me asking, of course."

Jeremy leaned against the counter, rubbing his hand over the injury. “Michael.”

“Did you dream about him?” Jeremy nodded in response. “Any clues to his whereabouts?”

“No,” he dreamt about the last time he really hung out with Michael, a good week and a half ago. “Something else.”

“Do you mind me asking?”

“I-uh-” He hadn’t come out to his dad yet but it all came out quickly. “Michael dragged me out to his favorite place and we danced around. I came out to him.” He paused, looking away. “That was maybe over a week ago?”

“Are you gay?” He watched Jeremy carefully. He shook his head softly, fiddling with his feet.

“I’m bisexual.” He choked out. The silence continued on for some time. “I like girls but I also like guys.”

His dad nodded. Jeremy didn’t want to look over and find him angry or disappointed. But not looking meant that he also didn’t know if he was proud.

“You’re still my son.” He let out after a while. “You’re a brave guy and I’m proud of you for telling me. It takes courage.”

Jeremy smiled and glanced up at him before looking back down to the floor. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Were you two dating?”

He shot him down quickly. “No.”

They stayed silent for a few more seconds before his dad broke the silence again.

“Did you-”

“Do, dad, use do. He’s not dead.”

“Do you like him that way?”

“Yeah.” He felt some stress removed from his shoulders. His dad put his hand on his shoulder.

“They’ll find him.”

“Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

-

Jeremy didn’t have any friends when he first started kindergarten. The other kids didn’t really liked him because of his obsession with animals. So he sat alone on the playground everyday, hoping that someone would play with him.

He was originally one of the first out to the playground, securing himself with one of the many balls or the first trip down the slide. But even then, kids like Brooke would come along and demand the toy for herself because she was a girl. And if you didn’t, she’d call Jake over, who was always ready to punch someone.

Of course, eventually Michael came around. He wasn’t the most noticeable kid in their class and frankly, Jeremy didn’t know he existed. He was surprised one day, finding that Brooke or one of the others hadn’t run over and convinced him to give them his basketball. That made it hard seeing as he couldn’t actually throw or dribble a basketball. He was expecting them to come along.

He abandoned the basketball and explored around, looking for something else to do when he heard the small threats. He followed them to find Jake and Brooke threatening a small kid. His glasses were broken and his library book had been thrown across the pavement.

“Did you just call me a girl, huh?”

“No, no! I didn’t mean to! I’m new to Eng-”

“He called you a girl, Jake! Show him you are not a girl!”

“What are you looking at?” Suddenly Jake was eyeing Jeremy down. He gulped and stepped forward.

“Y-You shouldn’t beat him up!” He let out, looking between the three kids.

“Are you standing up for him?” Jake questioned.

“Y-yes!” He nodded. Michael, who was on the ground, looked absolutely amazed. “And you better stop or I’ll-”

Jake was suddenly in his face, only taller than him by and inch or so. “Or what?”

“I’ll tell the teacher!” Jake backed away in fear. Eventually Chloe and him left. Jeremy stayed behind to help the kid.

“Your glasses are broken,” he gave them back carefully.

“You-You stood up to them?” Jeremy nodded.

“I can’t just let them beat you up. It wasn’t your fault.”

-

Jeremy wanted to go out to the tree. Now that he remembered that, he felt like it called to him. His dad wasn’t just going to let him leave and he wasn’t willing to lead his dad out there. His best bet? Sneaking out.

“Just like those times you’d sneak over to Michael’s house.” He whispered to himself, slowly climbing down the roof of his house. “Of course, you aren’t going to Michael’s house you’re going to his favorite place.”

“Don’t step on the gutter.” Michael’s voice again, making Jeremy pull his foot away. It was filled with leaves rotted away to pitch black.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, knowing it was just his subconscious telling him things via Michael’s voice. That’s what it must be.

Because Michael isn’t here.

He did eventually get down, it took effort, but he did it. The only downside was that he was convinced his dad knew he was sneaking out. Maybe his dad didn’t care? What was he thinking, he ran off last night and fell asleep against a tree after falling into a small river, of course his dad cared if he snuck away or not.

Sort of success did turn into success as he now walked carefully down the road out of town. Only downside, he was exhausted. It felt the same as sixth grade, when he attempted to run away but only ended up on Michael’s doorstep. Except, it was June and he wasn’t officially running away. He was sneaking away.

He got to Michael’s house, glad to see that Mrs. Mell was still at work. Standing in the middle of the field, he stopped, closed his eyes and thought back to that memory. He took a step into the trees and vanished from outside eye.

Inside was a different world, scary, but comforting. He walked an unknown trail, resisting the urge to hold out his hand like Michael was leading him there. In his mind, that’s what was happening. In reality? Not so much.

The further in he got, the darker it became. The trees became more common and their leaves spread out like green hued roofs. The light became sparse and in the little patches where there was, plant life flourished. Suddenly it all stopped.

The tree seemed just as alive as it did the first time Jeremy came. The sun was high in the sky, giving the tree a short shadow. The yellow and white flowers bloomed beautifully around it. It all seemed so perfect aside from one big detail.

Michael wasn’t there.

He felt his tears crawl down his face, wavering from the slight wind as he approached. He reached his hand out, touching the tree softly before placing his forehead against it.

He really hoped this was just all a very long, bad nightmare and that he’ll just wake up next to Michael. He hoped that it was just all a bad trip. That’ll he’ll walk back and Michael will be at his house, smiling like nothing happened. That Michael was with him right now. That he had gone to Michael’s house that night.

He wants to be able to tell Michael that he loves him and cares for him and wanted to spend his life waking up next to him with a smile. That he was so much in love with him and the person he wanted to take to prom was him. And he wanted to take him to all the dances in the weird, even if it was in a living room or grocery store because he’s the best dancer he’s ever met.

He wanted to tell him about all the little things that he would notice. The little things like the way he tied his shoes or styled his hair differently for a day and Jeremy noticed. He wanted to be able to sneak out to go on cute, cliche ass dates. He wanted to go to his mom and ask for her blessing because the best he could do was ask Michael’s dad’s grave and he knew there wouldn’t be an answer.

Because the worst is the silence. The story was incomplete. Their story ended mid-sentence and it bugged him and made him itch to the very marrow of his bones. The silence, not knowing whether Michael was alive or dead was eating him alive. Not knowing left it all so silent. He couldn’t give him flowers on his grave but he couldn’t travel out somewhere and meet up with him. All because he didn’t know.

Did he deserve to know?

Did Jeremy really deserve to know? Was he really Michael’s friend? If he was Michael’s friend, would Michael have told him his plans? If he showed up Thursday night, would Michael have asked for him to come with to whatever hell he’s gone to? Goddammit it might not be hell to Michael, it could be paradise but it made Jeremy’s world hell because Michael wasn’t there. Maybe Michael hated him and Jeremy was so clingy that he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. God, he just wanted one second, one word that told him if he was close or not to finding Michael because that’s what he really wants.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Jeremy screamed out, punching the tree with all the anger he could fuster. He let out a sharp scream over his tears. His sobbing was loud against his throbbing ears.

“Jeremy?”

“No,” he covered his ears and shoved his eyes close. “No, no, no-”

“Jeremy, I was scared. I can expl-”

“NO!” He hissed, crying even more. “You’re not real.”

“J-"

“You’re just inside my head.” He pushed the hand off his shoulder. “You’re just that dark corner of my mind using Michael-”

“Jeremy, I’m right here.”

“You’re just a figment of my imagination!” He let out. He heard shoes crunch the grass slowly before becoming rapid and moving far away. That was a new trick.

He slid down the tree, scraping his arm as he weeped.

It was another one of those chill nights. Jeremy let the smoke invade his lungs carefully before breathing out and handing the cigarette back to Michael. He didn’t seem particularly interested in the whole ordeal that night. It was more therapeutic for Jeremy at this point.

Michael smashed the roll on the ashtray and mumbled something Jeremy couldn’t make out. He looked back and turned off the television. “I’m heading to bed.”

“Already?” Jeremy was always a bit clingy when high, it wasn’t a new development. “We weren’t even halfway done.”

“Yeah, I’m done.” He mumbled, sitting up in his chair. “Are you staying the night?”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Michael shushed him sternly.

“Don’t be so loud, you’ll give me a headache.” He complained, getting into his bed and under the blankets. Jeremy slipped in behind him. Michael became tense. “Why are you clingy sometimes?”

“Well, I don’t really have anyone else.”

“What about Christine and all of them, huh?” He seemed almost insulted. “You’re with the popular kids, you don’t need me anymore.”

He sat up and looked over Michael carefully. He was facing away from Jeremy the most he could.

“I bet Rich or Jake could find you better drugs and you easily won Christine over.” He tensed even more. “You don’t need me so why stay?”

“Christine and I aren’t together anymore, it’s been weeks.”

“Yeah but what about the other girls? I bet they’re all head over heels for you, aren’t they?"

Jeremy wanted to pour out his feelings about Michael out but he was scared. This was before the tree, he wasn’t out to Michael. He didn’t think he would be out to Michael for a long time. Not because he wouldn’t be okay with it, Michael was gay himself, but because Michael might realize Jeremy’s feelings for him.

They didn’t sleep as silently as usually. Michael didn’t cuddle him that night but he was back to his bubbly self the next day. It was probably just a bad high for him.

-

Jeremy didn’t make it home for hours on end. The moon was high in the sky, or at least he hoped. There was only a tiny sliver tonight according to the stargazing app he had gotten for his astronomy class. He couldn’t find it in the sky.

The walk home was longer than he wanted it to be. It was only a good hour walk normally but under almost complete darkness and the fact that his phone was going to die soon didn’t make it any better.

When he arrived, a police car was parked out front. His eyes went wide and he raced inside only to learn that it was him that was missing. He asked for an update on Michael, he didn’t get anything out of that ordeal. The second the door was closed and the officer left, Jeremy’s dad sat him down at the table.

“Jeremy.”

“I wasn’t gone for that long,” he avoided eye contact. “You didn’t need to call the police.”

He took a deep breath. “You disappeared.”

“Yeah because I snuck out. You weren’t going to let me leave by myself, anyways.”

“Did you go looking for Michael?”

“No.”

“Jeremy."

“I didn’t!” He burst out. “Do you want me to say that I did?”

“You should leave it to the police, they are doing their best.”

“They’re best isn’t good enough!” He stood up, slamming his fists on the table. “They aren’t looking hard enough!”

“Jeremy.”

“He trusted me! He asked me over before he left and I refused!” He felt like he was crying but his eyes were too dry to produce any tears. He felt pitiful, not even allowed to cry. “I could’ve stopped all of this from happening!”

“JEREMIAH!” He looked up in shock from his father yelling back. “NONE OF IT WAS YOUR FAULT! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!” Jeremy cowered back down into his chair as his dad took a few deep breaths to calm down. “It isn’t your fault.”

He opened his mouth to deny that statement but was cut off by his dad.

“Michael came out to his mom on Thursday.”

Jeremy was confused. “He asked me to come over to help him?”

“I don’t know.”

“But he asked to play some video games?”

“It ended badly. She’s true to the way she was raised and that’s not accepting to that type of thing. But when you showed up, she wasn’t sure what to do anymore. She’s the one that caused it.”

“But, if I was there to help him, I could have convinced him that running off wasn’t the answer.”

“You’re beating yourself up about this.”

“Because I,” he pulled out his phone and showed him the last text message. “Could’ve been there to support him but I decided to work on a project that I never finished.”

Jeremy actually decided to go to school on Thursday. By decided, he meant that his dad had forced him to go. He also forced him to go to Starbucks with Christine after school. He would have skipped if he didn’t feel bad about the way their last conversation went.

He ordered a tea and sat down in the corner spot. Michael was never a fan of coffee or tea in general. He was a soda fanatic. He refused to wait in line with Jeremy. He was always off getting a soda from somewhere and meeting Jeremy back in the coffee shop. He could just imagine him sitting across from him with a bottle of his newest obsession of sugar. If it wasn’t the soft drink, it was a slurpee.

Christine ordered some new coffee fad drink, one of those frozen coffees with the ice. He never really understood Starbucks. She sat down across from him and happily drank out of the straw, humming a song from a musical that was probably too obscure for Jeremy to know.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, his voice sore from all the yelling from last night combined with all the talking from school. He suddenly went from a nobody to the most popular kid in school because everyone thought his best friend had offed himself. “I’m a dick, go ahead and say it. I deserve it.”

“You’re not a dick.”

“Christine.”

“Fine, you have been a dick.” She took another sip of her drink. “But that’s perfectly reasonable.”

“It really isn’t.” He mumbled, holding on to his cup tightly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could have sworn Michael walked past their window.

“You should be angry and worried about it but you need to stop hurting yourself over it.”

“God, you sound like my dad.” His gaze didn’t leave the window. For a few seconds, he hoped Michael would slip by again.

Christine followed his line of sight and sighed. “You can’t do as much as the police can about it.”

He took a deep breath and focused back on his cup. “Can I trust you?”

“What?”

“Can I trust you?” He looked up at her. She nodded slowly. “I’m hallucinating that Michael’s still here. Like, he saved me from breaking my legs with my gutter when I snuck out.”

She rubbed his arm softly. “And that’s perfectly fine.”

“You don’t believe me, do you?” His grip on the cup tightened.

“I do, I just can’t understand it because I’m not the one experiencing it.” She took another sip of her drink. “You knew Michael best.”

“I want to find him myself.” Jeremy blurted out.

Christine shook her head. “You’ll just end up messing with the police investigation.”

“No, but I don’t-” He took a deep breath and took a small sip from his tea. “What if it’s actually him, all this time? What if he’s trying to talk to me but I’m too selfish and convinced that it’s just my head?”

“Then reach out to him? I really don’t know how to help with that.” She admitted. “How did last time you saw or heard him go?”

“I-uh-I yelled at him because I didn’t believe that it was him.” He stared down at his cup. “And like the other times he felt cold, like how you would expect a ghost to feel like but then, last night, he felt so real and warm and,” he sighed. “Alive.”

“Maybe go to a place that you two enjoyed going to?” She proposed. “Maybe he’ll be at one if he was really here.”

“I went to his favorite place. That’s where I yelled at him.”

She took a deep breath. “I really don’t know how to help you Jere,”

“Jeremy, please.”

“As I was saying, Jeremy, the best you can do is try to talk to him."

-

Michael and Jeremy sat on the edge of a small pond. Michael had insisted that he wanted to skip rocks across but alas, the pond was too small to do so. They had to fight off the mosquitos the whole time. The water was stable, making it a perfect breeding zone for the buggers.

They didn’t go home without some battle scars each. Michael didn’t seem to care but the bites but Jeremy couldn’t stop itching them, which only made it worse. It got so worse that his mom had to threaten him whenever he attempted to start. That was in the fourth grade.

Jeremy was scared to even go near that pond ever again. He was even more scared of mosquitos and other bugs, especially the flying ones. They were common around Michael’s house, scaring him in the middle of the time. Sometimes they would travel far enough to reach Jeremy’s house.

-

Jeremy couldn’t sleep. His words, his dad’s words, Christine’s words, Michael’s words. They were all a giant blur of messiness that he couldn’t handle. But here he was, attempting to because he really could not sleep. To make matters worse, the silence was deafening. It didn’t let Jeremy focus on anything except his own thoughts.

They merged from the mixed versions of speech to where we could have gone wrong. His dad and Christine both were right, He shouldn’t beat himself up about this. He shouldn’t blame himself. But not blaming himself felt selfish. Like he was just ignoring all the wrong that led up to that point and telling himself, I couldn’t have done that because I was always right. He wasn’t.

“Can’t sleep?” His eyes burst open at the sound. The sound was soothing with the hint of the Filipino accent. A voice that could never really say the ‘f’ sound, it was always too close to a ‘p.’ A voice that worked on that for years.

He sat up, looking over his shoulder to see him sitting there. His knees brought up to his face as he watched Jeremy closely. He looked to be on the verge of tears through the little light streaming through the wide open window.

“Sorry, I should have asked before I broke in.” He had to process for a few seconds.

“Michael?”

“One and only.” He smiled slightly. “You look like you’ve seen better days. Have you been feeling well?”

Jeremy reached his hand out, placing it on Michael’s knee carefully. He moved it around, finding it completely there. No tricks, unless this was a dream of course.  
“You’re here,” he breathed out. “You’re here.”

“You seem way happier to see me than you did yesterday.” Jeremy’s eyes went wide.

“That was you?” He choked out, smiling wide. “That was you! I’m so sorry.” He pulled Michael close for a hug.

The other shushed him quietly. “Your dad can’t know I’m here.”

“W-why not?” He placed his forehead against Michael’s. “I have so many questions.”

“I know you do.” He bit his lip. “I didn’t intend to be gone for this long but after I was saw the police looking for me, I panicked.”

Jeremy cupped his face softly. His thoughts were jumbling together like a pile up on the highway in the fog. He let out a soft sob. “Oh my god, you’re here.”

“I know.” He smiled, crying himself. He grabbed Jeremy’s face with one of his hands. “Shoot away, you’re probably confused.”

He gulped and took a deep breath. “Why’d you leave in the first place?”

“My mom didn’t take the news well,” he paused. “That I was a homosexual. I-”

Jeremy interrupted him. “Did you tell her before or after you texted me?”

“Before.” He wiped Jeremy’s tears away. “I was just going to light a joint and play some video games but then she started to yell even more and-” he pulled away carefully. “Do you trust me?” He asked, looking away from Jeremy. Jeremy nodded, moving his head back over to face him.

“Yes.” He smiled. “Oh god yes.”

Michael turned around and pulled his dirty shirt off, revealing the cascade of bruises over his back. Jeremy hovered over one and Michael hissed in pain. “She-uh, did this. She went to go get a drink and I booked it.”

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows together. “But she told my dad that she didn’t care-”

“Well, she lied.” He mumbled out, hatred lacing his words like a lullaby of the damned. “She’s a charlatan.”

Jeremy nodded again. “Do you want to borrow some of my clothes?” He looked over to the dirty shirt in Michael’s lap. “I can sneak them into a load.”

“There’s no need to clean them.” He looked around. “Did you keep my jacket?”

“What? Oh, yeah.” He leaned over the edge of his bed and pulled out the bright red sweatshirt. “Sorry, I had to hide it from people, y’know?”

“Yeah,”

A little more silence but it was comfortable, unlike the gaps Jeremy had been living with up to this point.

“You probably haven’t slept well lately.” He got up from the bed and rummaged through one of the drawers of his dresser. He turned back to his friend. “Can you stay the night, at least?”

Michael nodded, getting up from the bed. “I’ll have to be off before dawn. I wouldn’t want the police to find me, or your dad. They’d send me right back to my mom and she’s probably pissed as hell.”

Jeremy frowned, handing him a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. “You need to talk to someone about that.”

“It’s my word against hers-”

“Yeah, but you have physical fucking proof.”

“Something that could have easily happened the whole week I was missing.” He added, slipping the shirt on and hissing a bit in pain.

“I could confront her or you could and we could record it.” He proposed but Michael shook his head.

“No way.” He slipped out of his jeans and sneakers. “I don’t want to be anywhere near her.”

Jeremy nodded, pretending he understood but he really didn’t. He was still processing the whole thing. The fast was very prominent that here Michael was alive. He, himself, was physical proof that he wasn’t dead. Unless this was some sort of bad dream.

“Jere?” He almost burst into tears again, hearing Michael call him that again. He placed his forehead on his shoulder and felt his arms wrap around him tightly. He was just as much of a mess as Jeremy was.

“I still can’t believe you’re alive.” He let out, taking a deep, shaky breath. He took in Michael for what he was, the same smell of new game cartridges and slight marijuana that never grew old, even if hidden under layers upon layers of dirt. “You’re really, really here.”

Michael hummed in response, feeling a mosquito nip at his skin. “I’m really here.”

They stood there for a few minutes, feeling like seconds of contact. “They’re going to find you eventually, aren’t they?”

“I have a backup plan.” He let out. “Whatever happens,” he pulled away from Jeremy to look him in the face. “Remember that my mom’s a big pain in the ass and that if they say I’m dead, ask to see the body. Be very vocal and all that about it.”

Jeremy nodded, smiling wide from seeing Michael wear his clothes. It made his heart flutter and he bet that he was all hues and shades of red. “I imagined what I’d say to you if I saw you again.”

“Fair enough,” he removed his jeans and pulled on the pair of sweats. “It makes you th-”

“I really, really like you Michael.” Jeremy blurted out. His eyes went wide as he covered his mouth.

“You can’t just leave it there.” Michael squeaked out. Jeremy attempted to escape the situation but Michael held him tight. “You like me?” He asked when Jeremy had finally calmed down.

“A lot?” Jeremy breathed out and pulled away as much as Michael allowed. He looked up into his eyes. “Like not a friendly, platonic way. I’m so much in love with you that sometimes it just hurts. I want to grow old with you and all that cheesy stuff.”

Michael chuckled, making the other very embarrassed.

“I just admitted my feelings and you’re laughing at me!” Michael chuckled even more before shushing him slightly.

“You have to stay quiet-"

“No! You’re laughing at me!” He smiled slightly, giggling a little himself. “I just told you how much I’m in love with you and you’re laughing at me!”

A light went on under the door and Michael panicked. He hid next the dresser as Jeremy panicked and grabbed his phone like he was on a phone call. The knocking came and his dad appeared, illuminated in the bright hallway light.

“Were you talking to someone?” He watched Jeremy carefully. Jeremy shook his head no.

“I was on the phone.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Admitting your love?” He looked around the room. “I thought you liked Michael?”

“I moved on.” He looked down to his phone. “It’s been a week and they haven’t found anything.”

“Jeremy, they’re going to find him.”

“Yeah, well what if they don’t?” He put the phone back down on his nightstand. “What if they find him and take him home and it only gets worse?”

“Are you trying to say you think he ran away?” He furrowed his eyebrows and leaned against the door frame.

“Because of stuff going on at home.” He confirmed. “I mean his mom, people don’t-”

“We’ve been over this, she’s as desperate as you are to find him.”

“Maybe she’s like that because she wants to hurt him even more?” He stomped on the ground, forgetting Michael’s presence. “People don’t just flip their feelings within seconds about topics!”

His dad looked down to his feet before glancing back up to Jeremy. “You’re overreacting and shutting everyone out.”

“I am acting perfectly reasonable because I’ve gotten so much further than the police have!”

“You can’t do more than the police can.”

Jeremy scoffed. “You don’t believe me?”

“I do, Jeremy, but-”

“But what?”

He stayed silent for a few seconds. “I think you’re overthinking this ordeal.”

“Because I’m the only one who really cares?”

“Everyone is worried for him.”

“Not enough.” Jeremy hissed. “I was the closest to him. I am acting perfectly reasonable and everyone around me is emotionless.”

Jeremy’s dad sighed in defeat after a second. “Goodnight, Jeremiah.” He said sternly, closing the door and disappearing down the hallway. The light shut off and Jeremy stood there, about to break down. His alarm clock ticked, signaling that it was midnight. Friday, his least favorite day.

Michael waited a few minutes before reappearing from the closet. Jeremy sat down against his bed and avoided eye contact. He sat down next to him and intertwined their fingers. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that angry.”

“He doesn’t understand.”

Michael chuckled as Jeremy leaned his head against Michael’s shoulder. “Woah, middle school angst much?”

“Shuddup.” He mumbled, watching their connected hands.

Michael smiled and kissed the top of his head. “Jeremy Heere, I am very much in love with you, too.”

“Really?” His voice cracked as he shot up to look at Michael.

“Have and always will.” He admitted, looking over to Jeremy with a smile. “Did you think I didn’t like you?”

“Well you never made any effort to inform me.”

“You’re such an oblivious idiot.” He placed his forehead against Jeremy’s. “I’ve had the biggest, gayest crush on you for the longest time and you never noticed.”

Jeremy’s face couldn’t grow any more red. “I am not oblivious.”

“You are.”

“You’re the oblivious one.” He bit his lip. “God it was probably so obvious.”

Michael leaned in and kissed him. Jeremy wasn’t expecting it but kissed back without thinking. They both pulled back giggling.

“You’re a terrible kisser.” Michael complained, pulling Jeremy even closer.

“That was my first kiss.” He admitted.

“You’re almost a senior in high school-”

“Yeah.”

“Well, same.”

They both burst out into giggles again. Jeremy stood up and laid down on the bed. Michael joined him, slipping under the blankets and watching him carefully. “You’re adorable, you know that?”

“Shuddup.” Jeremy mumbled, cuddling up against Michael’s chest. “You’re more adorable anyways.”

Michael wrapped his arms around the other with a smile. “Are you a furry and also have a kink for runaways?”

“N-no!” He quieted himself down. “I am not a furry and I do not have a kink for runaways.”

“Jere, everyone knows you are a furry.” He slid his glasses off. “Just go to sleep.”

It was the best night of sleep Jeremy got since last Thursday.

-

“We’re losers, Michael.” Jeremy let out, watching the other search the racks. “A change of clothes isn’t going to change that.”

“That’s not what this is about. I’ve accepted that fact.” He pulled out two different hoodies and held them out to Jeremy. “Which color would look better on me?”

“You’re asking me?” Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “I barely even remember which shoe goes on which foot and you’re asking which color of hoodie would look better on you? You’re desperate.”

“Shut up, it’s one of theses.” In one hand, a blue hoodie. The other, a red one. “I can feel it.”

“Why don’t you just try both on?” He suggested, motioning over to dressing room. Michael nodded and they went off.

They ended up buying the red one and Michael wore it until the seems wore. Just before high school, Jeremy bought him one to replace the old one. Michael got into sewing patches that summer and it was a blank canvas.

-

Jeremy’s dad woke him up on time for school. He panicked when he walked in but looked over to see Michael gone. Or possibly he wasn’t there at all. It all felt too good to be true. There wasn’t a single trace of Michael in the room. The hoodie was in the same spot before he brought it out for Michael to see. The space next to him was cold.

He went to school, his dad deciding that he’s rested enough and needed to continue his education. Christine and his other friends attempted to talk to him all day. He avoided them at all costs. He wanted to avoid everyone and all the questions that they plagued him with.

“It’s been a week, you think he’s dead?”

“Mason, right? Your dead friend?”

“Did he commit suicide?”

“Is he on the run because he did drugs?”

“Was he arrested for smoking?”

Is. He. Gone. Forever.

Jeremy’s dad had come by to pick him up from school. Jeremy avoided him as he snuck through the crowd. He ran until his legs gave out. When they did, he left his heavy backpack thrown against a brick wall. He continued on, feeling his legs wobble with every quick step against the gravel. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

He was long past the town. He was long past the familiar trees. He passed Michael’s house too long ago to go back. He was heading right for the beach. The place where Michael taught him how to swim and not to be afraid of the water.

“The evil things are deep down.”

Michael’s voice haunted his ears. It wasn’t Michael. It couldn’t be Michael. It couldn’t be him. Michael was gone. Jeremy would never get any sort of closure.

But his words were right. Deep down inside of Jeremy was the evil thing. The hope that flickered in the dark night was the evil thing. He could just forget Michael like everyone else seemed to do already. He could forget the thing that kept him going all this time. That little, sliver of a flame of hope when the rest of him knew that Michael wasn’t here. Michael will never be here again.

He took a deep breath, collapsing down on the sand. Tourists weren’t quick common yet. They wouldn’t come to such a small town anyway. Atlantic City would be their destination. The lights of the city made the beaches feel alive but all you had here was dead or dying. The sand was cold under the June sun. The waves weren’t the pretty blue that Michael would say were the same hue as Jeremy’s eyes. It was all just grey and stale.

-

“You really like the water, don’t you?” Jeremy sat on the dock as Michael swam around happily. His parents were back on the beach somewhere, lounging and tanning in the sun. Michael was graceful in the water. It all seemed to full of life.

“Yep!” He floated on the surface and looked up to Jeremy. “Aren’t you going to come and join me?”

“I’m not much of a swimmer.” He refused, shoving his hands out in front of him. He never had a pair of swim trunks before this trip, truthfully. He pulled his knees up to his face.

“Are you afraid of the water?”

He denied immediately. “No, no, no.”

“You’re afraid!” Michael treaded the water and chuckled.

“I’ve just never gone swimming before.” He admitted and soon enough Michael was pulling him down into the water.

“New time for everything.” He said after making sure Jeremy was okay. He was taking deep breaths, mimicking the movement that Michael was making. “I go swimming a lot when we go to the Philippines.” His accent slipped for a few seconds. Kids at school always made fun of it and the teachers always marked him down for it. He studied hard to try to conceal it as much as possible.

“You just shoved me in here!” Jeremy exclaimed, shaking the water out of his hair.

“I mean I technically pulled you in.”

“Whatever.” He was taking long, deep breaths and watching the water carefully. “How do you even deal with sharks and-and crabs?”

Michael laughed, watching Jeremy carefully. “Dude, those don’t come up to beaches.”

“What if they do?”

“The evil things aren’t up here.” He pointed out to horizon. “They’re out there, deep down where it’s so blue you can’t see.”

Jeremy smiled nervously as Michael continued talking.

“But here,” he motioned to the lighter blue around them. “It’s safe and secure.” He looked over to Jeremy and smiled. “Like your eyes.”

-

The water went up to Jeremy’s ankles where he was. He sat down carefully, feeling the water absorb into the fabric of his jeans and t-shirt. The wind blew his hair in all directions, indecisive on which way it wanted to carry the air. The water was slowly sinking but also growing. He couldn’t tell if it was high tide, low tide, or somewhere in between.

The water was cold but in a comforting way. In a comforting way that he had been longing for. The same way Michael held him close in his dreams last night. The same way the car did, telling him that they felt his pain. The water was so full of life but it too was slowly dying.

His eyes stung. They longed for the ability to shed more tears but he had ran out. This week had been long and it was going to turn into more weeks, then months, then years and decades. The little candle inside of him was out. He let the ashes drift away with the grains of sand being taking out on a long journey through the rough waters of the ocean. He was one of those particles.

All their plans together flushed down the storm drain like the rain. Like all those times that Michael would drag Jeremy out to watch the storm from his roof. Like all the digital zombies faded away pixel by pixel. Like the days that went by peacefully when they lived life together. It was all gone.

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

He covered his ears, hearing his dad’s voice replay in his head on loop.

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“You’ll just end up messing with the police investigation.”

Christine’s words blended in with his dad’s. His hands gripped his hair tightly, shaking his head like he can just make it all go away.

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“Mason, right? Your dead friend?”

“Do you think he killed himself?”

“You’ll just end up messing with the police investigation.”

“Maybe he was lonely?”

“Was he arrested?”

“Michael wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“If you run away, don’t you want to wait for warmer weather?”

Michael’s own voice taunted him. They all did. They surrounded his closed eyes. He could feel their glares. Of students, of his dad, of his friends, of Christine, of M-

“I left because of you.”

Everyone else stopped. The glares were gone except for one overwhelming one. Michael’s voice spat at him in disgust.

“You’re a loser. How could I ever love you?”

Jeremy whimpered, feeling the water slowly numbing him. He got up and ran but only ended up on the same dock from all those years ago. He could feel the glare of Michael this whole time, following him.

“You can’t hide from me.” He hissed. “You are a disgrace, sitting with your popular friends because I wasn’t enough.”

He let out what felt like a sob but nothing could be heard.

“Yet, here you are, crying over me.” He chuckled, making Jeremy’s heart burn in fear instead of love like it always had when Michael laughed. “You’ve cried an ocean over me and I’ve gotten over you."

He heard his name be called and felt like he was ripping out his hair with his grip. He wasn’t sure if it was a push or he jumped off but soon enough he was surrounded by the salty embrace the ocean brought.

-

Michael sat on his railing of his porch and swung his legs back and forth impatiently. Jeremy was late. He wasn’t so late that it was rude but he was late. And by late, he was supposed to be here two minutes ago. Michael was too excited and those two minutes felt like hours.

When Jeremy’s dads old car finally emerged from the trees, Michael looked as if he was about to burst. It had been two more minutes, four minutes of unnecessary waiting. Maybe it was because of where they lived? Who knew. He was just glad to see his friend out of school.

His mother came out to greet Jeremy’s dad as Michael raced over to see Jeremy. Jeremy was a little scared when being pulled into a tight hug. But he giggled along with Michael. They were almost inseparable all day. Not just because it was the first time Jeremy was invited over, but because they didn’t know what to without the other.

That night, Michael brought Jeremy up to the roof. Jeremy was terrified and Michael had promised him something that he would never forget. “I’ll make sure you don’t get hurt.”

When the school year started up again, Michael held onto that promise more than Jeremy ever believed. It became almost monthly that Jake and Brooke would hunt him down. While Jeremy cowered in fear, Michael was giving them bloody noses and earning lunch detentions. The fights became more frequent in middle school and he’d go home with a black eye or an overly nasty bruise. He was suspended a few times and he didn’t regret how bad his record looked. If anything, he wore it like badges of honor.

-

“-breathing!”

Jeremy’s ears rang. He was soaked and covered in salt even in places he never felt salt before. It wasn’t pleasant. There was also the addition of the sand coating everything. He’ll definitely be feeling that everywhere soon enough.

“Jeremy?” Michael’s voice.

Jeremy cringed, getting ready for what was coming next. The yelling, the screaming, the crying, the sobbing. All because Michael wasn’t here.

“Hey, Jeremy, open your eyes.”

Not what he was expecting. Someone helped him to sit up. They were also soaked with salt and sand everywhere.

“Open your eyes, please.” A hand cupped his face gently. “Please, be alive.”

He coughed, letting the fishy taste leave his lungs burning. His mouth was traced with the smell of the sea.

His hair was brushed away, no longer matted to his forehead. He coughed up some water and it all tasted of sodium. It wasn’t the best taste in the world. Little bits of sand came with it at the end.

“There we go.” Still Michael’s voice. It was someone else, it had to be. His mind was just playing tricks on him to make him feel so safe as he clung to this someone. “Cough it all up.”

He opened his eyes slowly, seeing a bit of sand clumped in with his eyelashes. Michael was holding him close, his hoodie draped across Jeremy’s shoulders. It couldn’t be Michael but here he was.

“Michael?” He choked out, spitting out more water.

“I’m here.” He mumbled, holding Jeremy even closer. “I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.”

“I called your mom.” Michael froze at the sound of Jeremy’s dad. “She’s going to come pick you up.

“We need to leave before she gets here.” He let out, looking back down to Jeremy.

“Michael, you said you would explain when we got here.” His dad talked sternly, making Jeremy’s ears hurt. “Explain.”

“My mom wasn’t happy about having a gay son.” He rocked Jeremy back and forth, comforting both of them. “She took her anger out on me and I escaped when I could.”

“Show him your back.” Jeremy mumbled, slowly sitting up. Michael slowly took his shirt off and frowned. Jeremy’s dad looked over him carefully.

“She’ll seem all giddy and happy to see him but I know when I get home it’ll be more of this.” He gulped, keeping his gaze on Jeremy.

“Your mom was never okay with stuff like this. I’m calling the police. They need-”

“Yeah and they’ll believe the kid that disappeared for a week.” He took a deep breath and avoided eye contact with both of them. “It’s my word against hers.”

“It’s the three of our words against hers.”

“They’ll think I convinced you of some sob story.” Michael fought against it, holding Jeremy carefully.

Jeremy placed his forehead against Michael’s softly. “We’ll be there for you. We’ll confront her with you. If we can just get a little piece of evidence on film then we can get you out of there.”

Michael sighed, closing his eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Michael nodded softly, closing the small gap and kissing Jeremy. It was more messy than last time, both of them in a broken state. Michael was missing his glasses, somewhere lost to the sea, making his aim off. He hit the corner of Jeremy’s mouth and the other gladly moved to make it easier.

“Everything will work out.”

And it did.

They got video of Mrs. Mell abusing Michael. Jeremy could never take it upon himself to watch the footage after he took it. Neither of them talked about its existence except the time they were forced to watch it in court.

Jeremy’s dad fought for custody and won. Michael was welcomed back to school and Jeremy protected him this time. He explained to everyone that he was just sick and everything was just blown out of proportion. Christine was the only one except for the teachers that knew what really happened.

Michael stayed with Jeremy, taking the room that used to be his mom’s office. It really just held all of his stuff. It was never the same as his basement. He slept with Jeremy every night, cuddled up together in a giant mess of blankets.

It was all a bad dream in a small figment of all their lives. It seemed like forever during it but afterwards, it all disappeared into the past.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: flailingbuptor


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